How to Become an Opposition Party in Nigeria
Being a keen follower of the many dramas that
don’t stop coming from Nigeria, I think I have some very important pieces of advice
for the Peoples Democratic Party which, beginning from 29 May 2015, would assume
duty as an opposition party in Nigeria; the world’s most populous black nation and
Africa’s fastest growing economy. * inserts applause.
This would be uneasy. There is the fact that the PDP is experienced in
being in power, in calling the shots and paying media houses to appear greater,
but lacks gravely in the tactics needed to make a ruling party tremble at the
mention of the term opposition. In a
more identifiable description, the PDP is an ajebo. It is a learner – a novice in
mudslinging as an opposition party.
In a democratic setting, it could be an easy
job but definitely not as easy as mowing the lawn of your lover who has invited
you over with such a voice of a mischievous child tucking at his mother’s
wrapper for food. The government that would be out of office in May has been
generous enough to allow for certain important laws such as the FOI and of
course, free press and speech. If these laws are not reviewed, then it would be
a cool ride.
There is nothing as amazing as saying all the
bullshit in the world and walking away with it, without being arrested or mimed
but called insensitive while the ruling class would consider the accusations. Quite
amazing! If things go left threaten the ruling class with thunder and brimstone.
Make friends with Sahara Reporters. They are the genius. They don’t see
anything good with a ruling class or Nigeria. If the size of nkwobi increased,
they would analyse it and tell you how un-Afrocentric the action was. All your
press releases, indicting photos and so on must be channelled through SR.
We are in a different Nigeria. This Nigeria thrives
on social media. There may be no job but all the Twitter handles you see flying
around the internet are offices. It rakes in money for the users and these users
are not loyal to conscience but the paper.
Yes, that’s another street language you must learn. ‘Money’ as a term stopped
being used after Christ took a bus to Jordan for baptism. And the more paper
and the generosity of whoever that is in charge, would guarantee a successful army.
No critic loves a smooth sail. Trust me, people
are ready to yab and shout again. Heroes must emerge. See, the likes of Omojuwa
became MADE through shouting. His side of the game has won. Another fellow
wants to feel the pulse of a Twitter celebrity too.
The activists on Twitter are bored from
victory. Yes, that shit bores. They want some challenge – bad grammar, wrong
dressing, bad decisions, awful makeup, scandals etc. You must feed this hungry
folks to stay relevant as an opposition.
On Twitter, we are not used to praise-singing. Our
lives were not designed that way. It is like walking into a brothel and
awaiting your customer to take your
bag, take off your clothes and tell you that dinner is ready at the dinning. It
doesn’t work that way.
To be truthful, being an opposition could be
stressful. All things are stressful in Nigeria. You’d have to spend sleepless
nights hunting for items that can make the news. The job of the opposition party
is that which must be taken up with divine dedication. You would need someone
that is influential in the church to shout with you. Nigerians worship their
pastors. When one of them screams with you, it would go viral. You could start
by telling them that the newly introduced BVN in banks is demonic, a sign of
end time and that if the government of the day doesn’t ban it then it is a
compromise. And then you can release a press statement or stage a walk. Design
clothes and those of us on Twitter would create hashtags.
As an opposition, it would be wrong to commend
the ruling party for anything. No. It is wrong. No one does that. You may call
an opposition in another country to confirm. But again, be careful not to use
their strategies. Always create a Nigerian variant.
If it is dry season and the ruling party gathered
all the pastors in Nigeria to pray for rainfall, it must be mocked. You must
use very ridiculous languages and taunt the ruling class and call all efforts for
development bullshit.
It is very necessary that the spokesperson of
the opposition party become someone who is flaunt but with a leaking mouth.
That’s an amazing trait. Ask a veteran, Lai Mohammed, he has all the
experiences. In few months, I am sure he would publish a memoir. Such books
must be treasured by any wannabe opposition. No knowledge is a waste. You must
treasure everything.
Thank you.
Bura-Bari Nwilo is the author of Diary of a
Stupid Boyfriend. He tweets with @BurabariNwilo
