Dear Sister,
It is with absolute goodwill and sheer concern for my own
kith and kin that I have decided to write to you today. I mean well, even if my
language may not be clear-cut and sexy as you are. Ah. I see your image in my
head. In short, since yesterday, I have been dreaming about you; how you walk
and the victory smile which rented your face when you were announced winner. *inserts
smile and dies.
I hope you find time to read this letter and write back to
me. *inserts a wink
You know, life has changed since last night when you won that
prestigious crown as Miss Nigeria, 2015. Hmm. Some bad belle people have been
comparing MBGN to Miss Nigeria. But don’t mind them. That’s all they are good
at, analyzing. Ah. Life is sweet oh. I am sure you will be making shakara
anyhow now. You’ll be like: mbok, I rep Cross River oh but I am Ogoni to the
bone. Ah. To the bone, chai, that line is sweet, whalai.
You will drive around in that your new SUV and then travel
to everywhere with that your plenty millions. Ah. In my next world ehn, I will
come as a beautiful woman with fine legs, great height and envious nose. I
think I will try and be intelligent too.
I know it doesn’t mean much, but just in case it is
required, I will do my best to acquire a cute accent. Sister, please come
closer let me share something about accent with you. See ehn, just go into any
bank in Nigeria and use those thick dark glasses and cover your eyes and speak
anything that would make you sound like a bird and there, everyone would
respect you. They would say: “Hey. See that one oh. She is one of those people
who have gone to oyinbo land and have returned with light skin and yeye accent.
But don’t mind them. What would kill them is already in their faces. Accent is
sweet oh.
I watched as you just knack book and dribble people like a
proud Ogoni girl. Ah. You are fine, Leesi. Yes oh. That is what I will call
you. You see that Pamela something? Me, I don’t buy it at all. You are a sweet
Ogoni woman and your native name is what I’d hold on to.
Before I forget, please this is the reason I decided to
write you this letter. It’s about boys; some yeye boys wey dey the Nigerian
music industry only to give beauty queens belle. I am writing you to be careful
of wolfs with microphone and cheap six packs that I can buy anywhere in Ariaria
market.
You see, these boys just sit in front of their televisions
during pageantry. They are not even concerned enough to buy tickets and watch
you people appear in pants and high hilled shoes oh. No. They want to stay
there and watch the winner then they would tell their yeye publicist to look
for the winner’s phone number and call them that they want to wish them happy
winning.
There are two famous people you have to avoid by all means
if you want us, your kinsmen to remain behind you. One is yellow with dada and mumu
six packs. Hmm. My sister, I know that you have been in Nigeria. In short, one
bird whispered to me that you are in service, serving Nigeria, battling mosquitoes
and bad toilet and bathroom wey dey camp but this guy bad well well. Him bad pass everything bad. The day that our
former MBGN was in Yenagoa shaking like fowl that had cold, trying to answer
simple questions about wetin she go do when she win, this man was looking at
yansh in South Africa in the name of shooting a music video. When the fine
yellow girl come win, him no waste time. He dropped his magical rod inside the
small innocent hole and chai, sister, a pikin was deposited. That is so wrong.
You must stay away from him. Any show he organises in this
world must be avoided. If you did not know that he was in the show and you
eventual found him there, abeg, tell the organisers that shit is hungering you,
that you have to leave. You can go to Bodo too and recruit 15 local boys to
guard you. I don’t want to hear stories.
There is another man who has announced to the world that he
is now a repentant married man. Ah. Hot lie. Please, stay away from him too.
Don’t buy his album. The image on that album has made someone pregnant before.
I know the girl. She is still looking for a way to take care of the baby. This
man has many faces although he has agreed that there are only two. Ah. He is
bad. He is slim, and tall. You know what slim men carry between their legs
shey? Avoid him. He can bring your holy land to disrepute in two minutes. He
can enlarge the narrowest pathway by a single visit. When you see him on TV, please
sprinkle the blood of Jesus and bind and cast any appearance that may come in
the dream.
You have to be at alert. Put a small Gideon bible under
your pillow before you sleep and if time permits, scream “chisos, chisos, chisos”
seven times. Find a bottle of olive oil and drink it too.
It has also come to my notice that some ladies love other
ladies. Ah. Don’t do what will make Bari have sleepless night. If any woman
opens her breasts for you, cower and help them cover it. They are end time
children. Don’t play that with them.
Sister Leesi, it is our pleasure that Chisos has chosen you
to wipe our tears off our eyes. You remember the many oil spillages in your
village, it has been Bari who has shielded you from drinking poisonous water so
you would live and make him proud. Biko, make him proud.
Embrace all things that would add value to human life. In
all you do, stay humble and motivated. Yours would be a beautifully eventful journey
and do well to send me a Facebook request too.
Thank you.
Bura-Bari Nwilo
Your Ogoni Brother in the Lord
